I am what I am.

I absolutely love Dame Shirley Bassey and if you have not seen her on the stage at Glastonbury, you need to. I love her powerhouse voice and how she commands the stage. I think we all need to stand up, raise our arms and sing out loudly, "I am what I am!"
Well one thing I am, and some of my friends and family are, is soft and sensitive. This does have its drawbacks and sometimes softness can be confused with weakness and being a pushover. I, and some of my friends and family have let folk overstep the mark because they think we won't say anything for fear of conflict but we are working on this! I will say, however, that softness does not mean you don't have an underlying core of strength running through you; we all have that and I've witnessed it many times with people I know. I've surprised myself with it a few times! It is hard though, not to be brought down by bitterness. That's a tough one.

Something I have noticed is sometimes people viewing being sensitive as a negative. But we all can't run at problems like a bull in a china shop or there'd be no cups and plates left! Probably, the problem occurs when you are over sensitive. I've done that. Where I've taken things way too personally and over analysed things. That really doesn't get you anywhere. I love this quote.

What part of your personality is your make up, your DNA? What part is learned behaviour over time? Can you change how you react to things or are you just fighting a losing battle? I've gone deep for this blog! What started with a reference to one of the funniest scenes on Ths Vicar of Dibley, suddenly went very deep! I shared this hilarious scene of Geraldine stepping in a puddle, which reminded me of her hiding in a puddle from an ex boyfriend, who I think, walks over her. You can see bubbles coming up as she's hiding!

It reminded me of the lengths I've gone to over the years to dodge certain people, some exes, who you don't want to see as they will mentally fathom how much weight you've clapped on since they last saw you. That last bit was actually an ex teacher. Thankyou! I remember realising one ex was on the wine aisle with me, many years ago, so I grabbed a bottle of red and just kept reading the label until he'd passed, like it was a classic! Thing is,  I was mad at myself because it would actually have been nice to ask if he and his family were ok but my insecurity let me down. That's made me think now. There will be others out there who may look like they are ignoring you or are too aloof to speak, but maybe they are feeling insecure?
Nowadays, if you want to dodge someone you're not in the mood for, or you've had a fallout, you can sit at your phone and look like you are engulfed in that! A lot of folk are doing that anyway! What did we do pre mobile phones? Well, I've used the reading your receipt technique a few times. Which only works if the person you are with telepathically gets why you have just done an emergency stop and doesn't start shouting out your name loudly, thereby drawing unwanted attention to you!

Perhaps, mood dependent, sometimes I've just stayed in and read my book. Some folk who know me might think I'm constantly in a peopling mood, but even the most friendly extroverts need time out with a beloved book or their music.

It's probably an age thing with me, and I still like going out, but more in the day then I can rest in the eve. In fact, a lot of times now, I mentally love the idea of making plans and having something to look forward to, but when the day comes, I'd rather stay in. Once you are out though, you enjoy it.

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm usually one of the last to enter a party and one of the last to leave. It's that fear of missing out and trying to eek every last drop out of the event. Now though, I'm starting to leave earlier. I love this quote. The new me!

Smalltalk is good. I am normally ok with this as a rule. However, there are times in everyone's lives when even the best talker can't handle it. I've had a few times like this and it's crippling. My problem was I tried to carry on smiling, talking about the weather and the price of a pint or whatever else! It even got to where I'd exit the conversation, mainly at work, on a course, and just go cry in the Ladies. We've all done it. Been walking round Asda, bumped into acquintances, enquiring what you are up to and  you just wished you'd gone to the Asda in the Orkneys, where no one knows you, this once vibrant person, with greasy hair, bags under their eyes and can obviously answer the question, "Who ate all the pies?"
My most recent hiding was behind a bush. A bush, for goodness sake! Obviously I couldn't see anything so wasn't sure when to come out! Then, further on, I realised it wasn't even them!
What's it all about? You see, it's easy on social media. You just get unfriended, or they don't accept your request. They may start by not liking or commenting on your posts as much. I've noticed this new trend of ghosting people. When I looked it up on pinterest, it mainly concentrated on men ghosting girlfriends but it's happening with friends too. You even get blocked on social media, like if you're not in that virtual world, you're not really there! It makes you re question everything.

But in real life, it's harder. When someone is there in the flesh, you can't just press a button and you, or they disappear, like something off Doctor Who. You have to face it out. Or hide in a bush! You get to a point though, where you stop chasing relationships and friendships.
1. You remind yourself of all the amazing people who care and make the effort.
2. You want a simpler life.
3. You are older and knackered!

Trouble is, and this is going back to my original question, when you aren't designed to argue or speak your mind. When you've spent all your life being a peacemaker, and to some, a push over. When you have shied away from conflicts and arguments for nearly five decades. When you've kept things in and let people say hurtful things, criticising you publically. Well, you may keep all that conflict inside until it hurts no one but you. Or, like me, bursts out and you either take it out on the wrong person (sorry hubby) or cause a scene and end up being the one apologising to the person who was being unkind to you in the first place.

How do you change from that? I'd love to walk in a room and walk straight past the person, instead of hiding my head in my phone, going in another room, or even going home.
Why do certain people fear conflict and confrontation? What is the worst that could happen? That these people won't like you anymore and won't want to share their lives or spend time with you anymore? Well, I hate to spell it out for you, me, they've stopped liking you anyway!

I'm learning the hard way that you don't need to, and practically can't please everyone. I'm learning that no matter what you do, some people just won't reason with you or see the part they played. You do live and learn. You learn who are your people.


  1. A great blog! Well done for being honest. I think most of us will relate to a lot of it too.

    1. Thankyou. I really struggled writing this one!

  2. You can't change your nature it's who you are and would you really want to. You can't change other people either everyone has good and bad traits. At the end of the day does it really matter what other people think it's your life not theirs. Stay with your sweet and caring nature!

    1. So true. It shouldn't matter what others think.

  3. Another great read and so true! I’ve toughened up over these last few years & feel better for it. Don’t waste time on people who only make you feel rubbish, you will never ever please them no matter what you do. Walk away from the toxic relationships because the only one it’s harming is you & instead surround yourself with people that love you for you. 😍😊xx

    1. Absolutely dear! Spend tike and energy with those wonderful people who care about you and show you. Actions speak louder than words.


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