All or Nothing

All or Nothing

Which one are you? Or are you both, depending on your mood? I would say I am, without a doubt an Aller! But, if pushed too far, I eventually will give less, then nothing. Us givers only give so much until even we say, no more! So, I do use my full ass! 

If you are an Aller, I applaud you but also sympathise with you because it can be amazing being so driven and passion filled but also so consuming and wearing. 

I've always been this way. Given mostly everything my all. I say mostly because there has been the odd time when something did not click with me. Mostly, though, I throw myself into the challenge, the moment, the relationship with so much passion and zest, so much loyalty and attention.

This is one reason I did not join Facebook for ten years. I knew I would be into it and posting loads so I held back, for as long as I could and I have now made up for it! My blog is very precious to me and I do spend much time researching, writing, posting, sharing and replying to comments. I think if someone has taken the time to comment, I will take the time to comment back to each one. I have received some lovely comments about my writing and my photos. Comments that have made me smile!

I do wear my heart on my sleeve and folk do generally get what I am feeling. I am 'all in' or 'all out'. It is very rare I am half way. Unless, I am feeling insecure and have gone along with stuff off  folk to fit in, mainly at work. When I have done so, I have let myself down. We live and learn and I would never put up with that again. Never.

When you give everything and everyone your all, it can work two ways. Those folk, like you, who do the same, appreciate that attention, appreciate your wanting to do stuff and your eagerness. Or, you can come across as being 'too much' and 'too full on'. Even too needy. We are needy, well I am anyway! But needy in the sense of needing human connections, stimulis and to feed my passions! How fab when you meet someone who thinks and feels so strongly about the same stuff you do! 

And there it is. There will always be people, your people, who will never question you giving your all. They crave it! Your uniqueness and your energy, your quirks and your way of attacking life! These are your people who love you without judgement or jealousy. They need you to be just you. 

We can be needy in craving this understanding. It is a basic human need, I think. We don't need judgement and to be misunderstood. We need a nod of the head and a hold of the hand. A text checking in and a 'how are you?' Empathy goes a long, long way. Givers tend to have this outlook. Just remember to save some back for yourself!

A problem with us Allers, is we are, on the outside, appearing to do a lot, we look fine and are getting ourselves out there. We can be loud and bubbly. And even though we are genuine, some of this is masking anxiety, worry, doubts and masking it rather well indeed! I know of a few friends, like me, who do this. That's what true friends do. They see behind this. They see and they try to understand. 

As soon as a friends and colleagues starts judging, start dropping comments or distancing themselves because you are appearing needy, or you are too much for them, you will make excuses for them. I have! And more excuses until you realise they weren't the friends you thought they were. And, in the meantime, you have questioned your actions and thoughts, starting to doubt yourself. Your self esteem goes down a little more. It is subtle this but it does happen.

It does sometimes take time to realise you have given your all to someone who has not appreciated it. At least we have realised! Sometimes, we look past those who are always there for us. We need to let them know how much we appreciate what they do. 

I am still naive. Not as soft as I was but still quite soft! It is hard to change once you have a tendency to look for the best in people. It is still sometimes after a few chances that I think, is this person taking me for granted? When I look back to the oceans I have jumped for certain folk and I'm still waiting for their return jump, well, what is done is done. I know who is worth it. 

We have all probably chased folk in our lives, for friendship, relationships, attention and closure. That is something that has really got me down over the last few years. I like things neatly tied up with a bow, tucked off and laid to rest. I like the sticking plaster removed steadily and left off for the wound to heal. Real life does not work like that though. The bow gets old and worn and falls off and the plaster is ripped off, the wound reopened to play with your mind.

You see, you love with your all, you grieve and hurt with your all. It is still how I want to be though. All or nothing.