It's now or never!

It's now or never!

It's now or never to lose the weight.

Stop the excuses, fore it's too late.

You deserve to be your best.

Lose inches from your tum and your chest!

I write my blogs slightly hap hazardly sometimes and leave them awhile then revisit and finish them. On rereading this little opening, I had to then sing the other version of the Elvis song 'Just one Cornetto. Give it to me!' So clearly, on revisiting the blog I am not in a dieting mood today! 

Back to the start again!

How long have I been going to lose weight? How long have I yo-yo dieted? I've even written a weight blog already. It was important for how I looked and felt about myself. I first joined Weight Watchers to be a bridesmaid for my brother. I thought I was big then! If only I knew! 

I have done most diets, losing weight and putting it back on. And then some! I have found Slimming World the best for me. I am a diabetic, type 2 and have tried intermittent fasting. It was really good but I struggled with my headaches. I will try it again and make sure I drink more water. Each day is a chance to do something good, to start again.

I was always thin as a child and a teenager. I was always fit and sporty. I never stopped! Then, around 21, I started to slowly put weight on. I was in denial for ages. I started teaching, got a car, started social eating more and my weight piled on. I was going to the gym and even aqua fit. Even though we would call at the pub on our way home for a half of lager and a packet of crisps! When I get back excersing now, it won't be to run off that bag of crisps because I won't be stopping at the pub after!

I can pretty much pin point when I started to put on weight as the blouse I am wearing for my 21st meal, one of the buttons is clearly hanging on for dear life. How it stayed intact I do not know! I mean nowadays, I have a few dresses where I plead for the button to behave. I must do this subconsciously, but I meet up with a lovely, thin friend for coffee and I wear the same black dress that pops open! I must remember the new no button rule in public! I love this page I have just started following on facebook. So funny and I love the vintage vibe.

When I look back now, on my second writing of this blog, I have quite a few clothes stories of the curvier lady. I am sure many of you have. Remember Arrabella Weir in the 90s with her 'Does my bum look big in this?' book? I laughed along with her and was happy to wear my velvet hotpants, never thinking that in 20 years time I would not only be asking the very same question about my bum but about my belly too! 

I remember different scenarios over the years that I chuckled along with, as I told the stories back to friends and work mates. Because, the saying goes that if you poke fun at yourself and highlight your extra pounds, you will not be the elephant in the room. Literally and figureatively! It is true though that you can point it out, just no one else!

I really don't know where to start with the stories! The wedding I went to where it was pointed out to me that my dress had split. What to do? I continued dancing, of course. grabbing onto the material for dear life. All was going fine though until the end dance of 'New York' where I kicked my leg up and finished off the dress seam on one side!

Then there was the time I bought a chiffon top from Next with the wrong coathanger size. I do not frequent shop changing rooms anymore. Ever! I pretty much hope for the best and go home to view myself in my own kinder mirror! One morning, I tried to put the top on for work, in the corner of the room. I got it stuck. Hubby woke up and heard me flailing about in the corner. On rescuing me he asked why I was trying to get into a Size 8. Oh? The coathanger said a size 18! I took it to work and gave it to my TA!

Which reminds me of the time I went to my cousin's house and everyone piled their jackets and coats on the spare bed. We left pretty early, for once and I thought my jacket was a bit tight. I mean, I had just enjoyed a fab buffet but I did not expect it to rip down the back! Later on that eve, my cousin rung me to say her best friend, three sizes smaller than me, could not find her jacket at the end of the night. Oh dear. I had it! I paid for the repairs and vowed never to put a coat on again without putting the lights on first!

Also the times, note the plural here, when I would be getting dressed on a morning and get the wrong tights on, the gusset stopping at my thigh. How can you make that same mistake more than once? Such a fab word, gusset! Really describes that part of the tights well! I do remember winning a Dirty Dancing competition in the night club when I was about 20, forgetting I had thick tights with a gusset as it was winter. I just hoped my gusset didn't show when I kicked my leg up! Still won though! 

It is a bit of a problem when you are amply made on your top half. I do try to make a good impression when I first meet people but maybe the nerves get to me and I end up 'Doing a Miranda' off the telly. When I joined a lovely choir and I went to a member's housewarming, I was doing so well, behaving myself. Until I stretched over for a sandwich at the buffet table, whilst talking very seriously to the choir director. As I leaned back, to my horror, my boobs had scraped off the jam and cream from the plate of scones. I did not know what to do. I ran to the bathroom, cleaned it off then re-emerged looking like a contestant for a wet t-shirt competition! So much for making a good first impression! I do have many Miranda moments and find I am turning to an imaginary audience with a querying face a lot lately! Or mouthing words like 'gusset', Miranda style, to them! 

I do love the character Miranda and feel she is a bit like this probably in real life too! This quote from pinterest made me laugh. Chin? Two chins for me! My sis in law and I ask the person taking the photo of us to put the phone, 'higher than an eight'. I call the photo being taken a 'full frontal' where you not only need to breathe in, but find a handbag or even a person to hide your tummy behind! Selfies all the way!

The other memory that springs to mind is when I was about 20, out with two thinner friends. We were trying to get through a small space in between a railing and a barrell holding drinks. They got through. I misjudged. Not only did the barrell wobble but the drinks on it toppled over, a few smashing to the floor. A young man, I won't say gentleman, saw it and shouted some obscene words about my weight. Probably, comparing me to the barrell. I was distraught and would normally have run off crying but, maybe the rum and cokes fired me up, so I went over to him, shaking but called him out on it. He wasn't bothered but I felt better for questionning him and his vile words. Words that stay with you 20 years on.

Gosh. That did run deep! Mostly though, I have been able to see the lighter side of putting weight on. I have laughed along with Marjorie Dawes on Fat Fighters, pronouncing that dust is calorie free so ok to eat. I have been at enough meetings, quickly eating a fibre bar after being weighed and mentally wondering how that half a pound creeped on. Joking aside though, these meetings and the supportive people there have really helped me and it is time I went back again. 

I have spent much time, as I am sure others have, being torn between knowing it is your personality that matters, not what you look like on the outside. I totally get that. But I know, over the years I have been judged for putting on weight and not being as thin, or as fit as I was. It does affect your confidence and self esteem. Especially when you are in your late 20s, still going into Topshop with your mates and pretending to look at the clothes. But you end up buying a pair of earings as you are safe in the knowledge that the jewellery, if not the clothes will fit. Probably why I love my jewellery so much! I love handmade jewellery, unique pieces that stand out. My two lovely friends keep me stocked up well!

Also the time, at around 28, you go into a wedding dress shop and the lady asks who the bride is, you or your size 10 bridesmaid. On replying yourself, she answers:

"Sorry. We don't cater for the bigger bride."

I really wish I had have said, Julia Roberts style:

"The bigger the bride, the bigger the budget!" Then stormed out!

I actually wore a beautiful dress and loved how I looked as a bride. I have a lovely photo of myself in our living room that I smile at when I see it. I am able, now, years after, to see that it is what I think about myself that matters, not what other narrow minded people might think. I too, realise that losing weight is not just for how you look but also for a better health too.

Back to my first write of the blog!

The thing is. I love food! I have always loved food and eating out. Italian food is my fave. I love sandwiches, crisps and a cuppa or glass of wine too. I can look back now and see how I have used food as a comfort, as something to look forward to. Many nights I have said to myself I am having the bag of crisps or nuts and glass of wine because I deserved it after a hard day at work. Like the L'oreal advert, 'Because I'm worth it!' But really, I am actually worth more than that. We all are. I am worth feeling good about myself and not hiding from folk I knew when I was the thinner, younger me. I am learning to swap comfort eating to comfort talking. 

I actually had this conversation with my friends yesterday. We were talking about ex boyfriends from our teens. I mentionned one and was asked if I had seen anything of him lately. 

"Yes. Down the wine aisle in Asda", was my reply. To which, someone pointed out that would be a good song, or book title. 

I didn't talk to him though. I just picked up a bottle of wine and started reading the label closely. I didn't want him to see me with my extra weight. I only had one chin when I knew him and fitted into a size 30, 30 pair of Levis. The size 10 teenage me would have loved to have said Hello and asked after his family but the forty odd year old wasn't playing ball that day. What a shame. The very nearly fifty, hormonal me would walk over, say hello, nod with both chins and smile. I would probably take out the multi pack of crisps and box of muffins on my way there but at least I would not hide me anymore!

Back to my first writing!

I am actually using food as a treat and a momentary happiness. Fast forward post binge anc it's not so good. I have comfort ate, on and off, for years. I finally know I have to stop this. The comfort and binge eating. The hidden eating that isn't calories as no one has seen it happen. I can't really count that as it wasn't a proper sit down meal. I recently saw a fab book titled, 'The food no one sees us eat' and that really made me think. This blog quote on pinterest is really good.

The habits we make stick with us. As a twenty something, I started eating suppers with a glass of wine as I watched my programmes. I loved this! Even now though, I struggle not eating when I watch television at night. I try to sip a cuppa and read my book, rather than watch as much television. I don't eat whilst I am reading! Teasing this next quote, mindfulness isn't just about 'being in the moment' whilst out walking. It is living 'the here and now' in everything we do. So many times i have just eaten but focused on a TV programme. When you just eat though, you enjoy that food and all the taste much more.

I could not write these blogs without going on pinterest. This quote made me think. I love playing with words and this is really good!

I was recently recommended a good book at college called 'Atomic Habits' which sounds amazing. I have to sing this as if Blondie is singing it to me but I  going to buy this book and follow it!

I do love social eating. I love visiting cafes for coffees and chats with my lovely friends and family. I love eating meals together. It is a big part of my life, social eating.

I am better though at not ordering a sweet. I enjoy my coffee or tea more. It is definitely about less is more. Have a little biscuit rather than a big slab of cake. Or have a flavoured syrup and no sweet. I have read about alternatives for foods with too many calories. I have read about smaller portions. I need to put everything I have learned into practise. All those 'fridge pickers wear bigger knickers' quotes are there to push you on. I love the 'nothing tastes as good as feeling slim' too.

I probably won't get back into my pairs of size 30, 30 Levis or those velvet hotpants. I will be happy to fit into any pair of jeans without having to breathe in and do the desparate zip dance. I will be most happy though, knowing I am helping my health. The comort eating ironically brings about no lasting comfort whatsoever. It leaves you crabby, sluggish and peeved with yourself for falling for it again. We all deserve to feel good about ourselves, to walk around without having to hide from people in our thin past. 

I have bumped into a few adults from my past who have looked me up and down and commented negatively about how much timber I have put on. Like I was a massive tree trunk! I have gone home and comfort ate my way around their words. Not anymore though. No more eating my feelings. I will write them down instead! 

It has taken quite a time to see that your lifestyle is all bound up together. When I left teaching six years ago, stress had played havoc with my body and I was told I was 'in recovery'. I even went to Recovery college and had art therapy and guided group discussions which were both amazing. I started really looking at the flowers and clouds on my walks. I started using mindfulness as a way of relaxing and helping my anxiety. It is on writing this blog though, that I realise food has played such a massive part in my 'getting better'. I have a chronic illness and the way I handle my food will benefit this too. Sometimes, you can't take everything on and change everything you do at once. When the time is right, it is!

So instead of dieting again, I am eating and drinking mindfully. I am taking my time over what I eat and drink and when I do it. My friend, Carly Yue Life Coach and I were talking about comfort eating and binge eating and she asked me recently to consider why I was eating the snack I had bought. Are you hungry? Do you need it? Are you eating your feelings? Wow! The answers were:

No

No

Yes!

Our talk was so illuminating and really helpful in making me question my eating choices and eating habits.

I am no nutrition expert but I have personally dealt with a food battle for a long time. I love this quote. I am a food lover and also a word lover. Even the word binge has the word bin in it!

Exercise is so important too. I do dog walk but need to also power walk. I started tai chi and need to go back to doing this. I loved this! Maybe, like in the the next quote, I need to start running with my dog! 

So, I am going to be healthier and keep giving this a re read for motivation! Diets do work, of course. They have helped me, when I have been in the zone. I do flit between zones though at the mo and I need to start by cutting down and exercising more. It is more about what we need to cut out daily. On much reading, I feel sugar is an important one. And the intermittent fasting. 

It really is about making changes everyday, seeing these changes and keeping going. It is a lifestyle change and I am ready for it!